i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
