My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
