The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
