i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
