it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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