You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize