I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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