it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just tell him i said nine months
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize