Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
