Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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