why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
