why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
