It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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