Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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