your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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