Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
