i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
