I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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