I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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