Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
