i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
