You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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