Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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