Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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