I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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