Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize