Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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