if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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