Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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