Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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