I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize