Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My ass is underappreciated
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
