my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
