i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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