I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
