I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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