Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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