We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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