Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
