youre lurking in front of me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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