I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
