I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
