I CAN MOONWALK!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize