The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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