And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
