I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
