I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
