An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
