I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
