dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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