went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
