the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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