paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
