i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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