You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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