tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
