Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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