My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
