yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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