I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
