We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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